Well as most of you know Steve and I have been trying to conceive for about a year and 1/2 now. We finally did it on our own and just in time for Christmas.. what more could I ask for.. I got a nice BIG FAT POSITIVE HPT on Saturday 12/13/08 and immediately woke Steve up to tell him. We were so excited and just couldn't hardley contain ourselves.. I was shaking for about an hour and I actually kept the test on the cabinet just so I could keep seeing it. Within the course of the weekend I ended up taking 5 more test.. 2 which were digital and it was so great to see "PREGNANT" on that piece of plastic. Joshua told me on Friday 12/12/08 that he had a baby in his belly, well after I explained that only girls and mommies have babies in their tummies, he says "Mommy has a baby in her belly", I guess he knew before we did!!! Why spend money on HPTs, just ask your kid. He told me this again on Saturday after I tested, but I told him that it is Aunt Laura that has a baby in her belly.. just because we weren't ready to tell him yet.. KWIM???
Well Monday 12/15/08 rolls around and I had taken the day off to spend it with Joshua.. just mom and Joshua, sounds fun huh??.. Well I again felt the need to POAS (pee on a stick) so I had one more line test and one more digital test.. so I take the line test with FMU (first morning urine) and it comes up positive but very very faint and it kinda freaks me out because by now my levels should be skyrocking... so I stutter around for while and don't drink or eat anything and try to wait for another PEE to come on.. well it comes and I POAS the last digital one.. and my heart is beating a gazillion to nothing and all of a sudden it reads "NOT PREGNANT". I instantly start crying and wondering what is going on.. so I call the 800 number on the box and they apologize for it not working and are sending me another test for my troubles.. thanks CBE, you're the best.. so anyway.. I call the doctor's office to get an appt to have a blood test taken.. and then go about my day with Joshua.. we get out in the 16 degree weather and go get his picture taken with Santa, how fun is that.. Then off to the Hallmark store so Joshua can pick out his 2008 Orniment.. he pics out "Rocket" from Little Einsteins and of course it would have batteries and sound... it plays the Theme song.. you know.. "We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship, zooming though the skys, Little Einsteins...." .. ok so you get the point.. then we head down the road to get a box at the box store (yeah we really have one of those)... and I crack my head open (seems that way.. you know when you hit it and it feels like a ton of blood is just pouring down your spine from your opened cranium) so it really wasn't busted open just felt that way.. but I hit it on the trunk of the new car.. the wind blew it back down on my head after I reached in to get my box.. I swear I have had a headache since, probably a concusion.. who knows. So after we get the box, we head to TGIFriday's for some mac and cheese for Joshua and a sandwich for mom. Well it was there that I felt this weird twingy feeling in my lower abdomen... kinda like when AF (aunt flow) is about to come, so I went to the bath room and there was nothing so I gave a sigh of relief and washed up and went back to the table (and yes Joshua was with me the whole time, I didn't leave him at the table). After we eat and get home I have more twingies and have to totally pee because of it only being 17 degrees outside now (yeah we gained one degree, it was time for the Bermuda shorts and tank tops) so in the bathroom I go and there was a bit of pinkish staining on my TP (toilet paper)... I instantly start freaking and I call Steve.. he calms me down and tells me not to jump to any conclusions until I have seen the doc.. 2:30pm finally rolls around and I go to the doctor's office.. they do a pregnancy test and it comes up positive but really really faint, they take blood to get my beta and other hormone levels. She does a pelvic exam and says that there is a lot of brown blood in there but a good note, my cervix is closed tight. She puts me on semi-bed rest and says "If you are going to misscarry there really isn't anything we can do about it honey, but think positive and we will see what your results say" So we leave and from then on I have this overwhelming terrible feeling, I lay around all night and then go to bed. Wake up today 12/16/08 and go potty.. well no cramping, no pain, no nothing.. nothing but lots and lots of dark blood, sorry this is gonna be TMI but it is my blog I can say what I want.. so next there is this long thick string hanging down and I almost pass out, I calmly ask Joshua to bring the phone to me and I call Steve who is on his way to work. I tell him that I just lost the baby and he asks if I am sure and I tell him I am pretty darn sure.. so he says he is turning around and should be here shortly. Well I look back down and the sting is now in the potty and has a little bitty clump on the end same dark purple color and all. So I get up and I can't even flush the toilet, I am just empty inside, hollow.....
I go turn on cartoons for Joshua and then go to bed and just stair into the walls ... Steve gets back and comforts me, he is such the best Husband in the world.. we go on with the day, I cry a few times and then try wrapping gifts to make the time pass while waiting for the doctor's to call, yes I left messages for my reg doctor, my ob/gyn and my fertility doctor. I finally get a call back from my reg doctor and the test results are "INCONCLUSIVE" WTF.. so they say I have to come in again on Friday to test again.. arrghhh... well then my ob/gyn calls and asks what is going on.. I tell her and she says "Yeah it sounds like you misscarried..and as heartbreaking as it is, it is a good sign" again I am empty and just sit there quietly.. she goes on "This means that you can get pregnant, egg and sperm can meet and do the job" .. so anyway after the semi-Pep talk she tells me my test results that she did (oh yeah didn't tell you about that.. she had me go in yesterday at 4:30pm to do additional testing for blood type, progesterone levels and HCG levels).. so anyway.. my HCG level was 10 and my progesterone level was at 1.05.. both not good at all... my HCG level at that point should have been well in the thousands and my progesterone level was that of someone about to start their period. She said that it was all definite signs of losing the baby. My fertility doctor called later in the eveing to reassure me that it wasn't my fault that this happend and that it wasn't my low progesterone, it just wan't meant to be. So now onto the next stage of TTC (trying to conceive).
We are breaking for this cycle until I get a real (normal) period which should be 4 to 6 weeks and then I have to go along with the Clomid Challenge Test.. drugs.. JOY!!! so I guess that gives us a Christmas break to settle down from the excitement and heartbreaking news all while spending time with family. No promises I wont have a breakdown.
So Heres to Our Christmas Angel, may you rest in peace and know that we loved you the minute you were conceived. We never got to meet you, or hold your tiny hand or kiss your tiny head, but just know that there is always a special place in our hearts for you and you will always be remembered as Our Christmas Angel. Mommy and Daddy love you very much!!!
Well Monday 12/15/08 rolls around and I had taken the day off to spend it with Joshua.. just mom and Joshua, sounds fun huh??.. Well I again felt the need to POAS (pee on a stick) so I had one more line test and one more digital test.. so I take the line test with FMU (first morning urine) and it comes up positive but very very faint and it kinda freaks me out because by now my levels should be skyrocking... so I stutter around for while and don't drink or eat anything and try to wait for another PEE to come on.. well it comes and I POAS the last digital one.. and my heart is beating a gazillion to nothing and all of a sudden it reads "NOT PREGNANT". I instantly start crying and wondering what is going on.. so I call the 800 number on the box and they apologize for it not working and are sending me another test for my troubles.. thanks CBE, you're the best.. so anyway.. I call the doctor's office to get an appt to have a blood test taken.. and then go about my day with Joshua.. we get out in the 16 degree weather and go get his picture taken with Santa, how fun is that.. Then off to the Hallmark store so Joshua can pick out his 2008 Orniment.. he pics out "Rocket" from Little Einsteins and of course it would have batteries and sound... it plays the Theme song.. you know.. "We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship, zooming though the skys, Little Einsteins...." .. ok so you get the point.. then we head down the road to get a box at the box store (yeah we really have one of those)... and I crack my head open (seems that way.. you know when you hit it and it feels like a ton of blood is just pouring down your spine from your opened cranium) so it really wasn't busted open just felt that way.. but I hit it on the trunk of the new car.. the wind blew it back down on my head after I reached in to get my box.. I swear I have had a headache since, probably a concusion.. who knows. So after we get the box, we head to TGIFriday's for some mac and cheese for Joshua and a sandwich for mom. Well it was there that I felt this weird twingy feeling in my lower abdomen... kinda like when AF (aunt flow) is about to come, so I went to the bath room and there was nothing so I gave a sigh of relief and washed up and went back to the table (and yes Joshua was with me the whole time, I didn't leave him at the table). After we eat and get home I have more twingies and have to totally pee because of it only being 17 degrees outside now (yeah we gained one degree, it was time for the Bermuda shorts and tank tops) so in the bathroom I go and there was a bit of pinkish staining on my TP (toilet paper)... I instantly start freaking and I call Steve.. he calms me down and tells me not to jump to any conclusions until I have seen the doc.. 2:30pm finally rolls around and I go to the doctor's office.. they do a pregnancy test and it comes up positive but really really faint, they take blood to get my beta and other hormone levels. She does a pelvic exam and says that there is a lot of brown blood in there but a good note, my cervix is closed tight. She puts me on semi-bed rest and says "If you are going to misscarry there really isn't anything we can do about it honey, but think positive and we will see what your results say" So we leave and from then on I have this overwhelming terrible feeling, I lay around all night and then go to bed. Wake up today 12/16/08 and go potty.. well no cramping, no pain, no nothing.. nothing but lots and lots of dark blood, sorry this is gonna be TMI but it is my blog I can say what I want.. so next there is this long thick string hanging down and I almost pass out, I calmly ask Joshua to bring the phone to me and I call Steve who is on his way to work. I tell him that I just lost the baby and he asks if I am sure and I tell him I am pretty darn sure.. so he says he is turning around and should be here shortly. Well I look back down and the sting is now in the potty and has a little bitty clump on the end same dark purple color and all. So I get up and I can't even flush the toilet, I am just empty inside, hollow.....
I go turn on cartoons for Joshua and then go to bed and just stair into the walls ... Steve gets back and comforts me, he is such the best Husband in the world.. we go on with the day, I cry a few times and then try wrapping gifts to make the time pass while waiting for the doctor's to call, yes I left messages for my reg doctor, my ob/gyn and my fertility doctor. I finally get a call back from my reg doctor and the test results are "INCONCLUSIVE" WTF.. so they say I have to come in again on Friday to test again.. arrghhh... well then my ob/gyn calls and asks what is going on.. I tell her and she says "Yeah it sounds like you misscarried..and as heartbreaking as it is, it is a good sign" again I am empty and just sit there quietly.. she goes on "This means that you can get pregnant, egg and sperm can meet and do the job" .. so anyway after the semi-Pep talk she tells me my test results that she did (oh yeah didn't tell you about that.. she had me go in yesterday at 4:30pm to do additional testing for blood type, progesterone levels and HCG levels).. so anyway.. my HCG level was 10 and my progesterone level was at 1.05.. both not good at all... my HCG level at that point should have been well in the thousands and my progesterone level was that of someone about to start their period. She said that it was all definite signs of losing the baby. My fertility doctor called later in the eveing to reassure me that it wasn't my fault that this happend and that it wasn't my low progesterone, it just wan't meant to be. So now onto the next stage of TTC (trying to conceive).
We are breaking for this cycle until I get a real (normal) period which should be 4 to 6 weeks and then I have to go along with the Clomid Challenge Test.. drugs.. JOY!!! so I guess that gives us a Christmas break to settle down from the excitement and heartbreaking news all while spending time with family. No promises I wont have a breakdown.
So Heres to Our Christmas Angel, may you rest in peace and know that we loved you the minute you were conceived. We never got to meet you, or hold your tiny hand or kiss your tiny head, but just know that there is always a special place in our hearts for you and you will always be remembered as Our Christmas Angel. Mommy and Daddy love you very much!!!
2 comments:
OMG that is the most depressing thing I have heard in a long time. I am SoOOOOOO sorry Katie. It does not make sense to me why it is so hard for you to have another baby,and then there are all the other people in the world that get pregnant and throw their babies away, or give them up or just have miscarriages because they are too inmature to handle it. It is not fair, but I do believe that there is a plan for you. Im sending you a great big ol hug! Love you very much. Chin up. (Misty)
Oh, Katie. My heart is breaking for you. I love you so much. I wish there was something, anything, that I could do. If you need me, just call. -Niki
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